Oh how naive and foolish I feel. I remember when we were first married how I would dream about what our kids would be like…
Would they have your eyes and my nose?
Would they make that same little smirk with their mouth like you do when you’re teasing me?
Would we have a girl and would she wrap you around her little finger… a little flicker of her eyes and a smile and her wish would be your command? 😍
I assumed it would be easy. I think you did too. Afterall, isn’t having a baby what my body is supposed to do?
We have sex, we get pregnant… right? That’s what everyone always said.
But, here we are. Years later and clearly it’s not as easy as we were led to believe. 😔
The more time that goes by…
The more medications and procedures we go through…
The more I feel myself, and honestly us, slipping away.
And it scares me.
I feel sad and angry ALL THE TIME. And as much as I hate to admit it, some of that is aimed at you.
You seem so calm, so disconnected through all this. It’s as if you’re just along for the ride but indifferent about the outcome.
But I have to feel it ALL… the physical pain from all the pokes and prods and procedures. The embarrassment from having everybody up in my girl parts over and over. And, the emotional pain from getting my hopes up over and over only to be disappointed time after time. 😢
And then there’s the shame. You see, I’m the reason we are where we are. It’s my body that doesn’t work right and I have to live with that everyday. 💧
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wonder if you regret marrying me instead of someone who could have given you a child by now.
If you resent me for all the money, stress, and heartache my infertility is causing.
But I think worst of all is the DEEP, DEEP despair I feel everyday that doesn’t seem to register with you.
I’m not sure how to explain to you how badly I want to be a mom. It’s been my dream since I was a little girl… to have kids of my own.
Everytime we pass a mom with young kids or a pregnant woman who is glowing as she rubs her belly, it feels as if someone put a knife in my stomach and is twisting it.
My heart aches and my insides feel hollow. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel whole without being a mom.
When I come to you and want to invest in trying something new that might help us finally get pregnant, you quickly remind me of the mortgage we have to pay, the debt we still have on our credit cards, and the budget we’re trying to stick to.
The thing is, I get it. I know we have bills and responsibilities. And, I know you think this is taking over our lives.
But, I need you to understand that…
NONE OF IT MATTERS TO ME RIGHT NOW.
We have a mortgage because we bought a house to start our family in. And we have debt because we had to put the IUI’s on the credit card because we didn’t have enough money to cover it.
But don’t you see…
I’d give up the house and I’d work everyday for the rest of my life to pay off the debt if it meant we’d have a family in the end.
This house is empty without kids to fill it. Everytime I walk in the spare bedroom it’s all I can do to not cry because in my head I see the nursery I dreamed of creating when we first bought this house.
I know it’s just different for you. You don’t feel it ALL the way that I do. You can’t. But, I need you to understand the nightmare I’m living. That all day, every day I’m constantly fighting my own sadness and despair and the constant fear of never getting the chance to be a mom.
This isn’t about “too much effort” or “too much money” or “no guarantee that it will work” for me.
I mean, what is “too much” for my happiness? For me to feel whole and fulfilled?
Because I don’t see a limit when it comes to that.
With all my love,